Happy Birthday Liliana Hope!

A little late, but she'll forgive me I'm sure.

Happy Birthday to our sweet Lili. She is a treasured member of our family. Life is busy and exciting because of her! At 12 months...

She is walking, getting to standing from any position, climbing, getting into everything, self feeding, fully weaned, and the permant shadow of her big sister. She can say ball, book, baby, all done, what's that?, mama, dada, hot, hi. She can sign more, please, thank you, and all done. She loves to eat- anything. She loves her baby dolls and balls. She is a little monkey but the sweetest person you'll ever meet. Fully of life and energy Lili loves to take risks and explore her world. Happy birthday dear one. My how time flies.

Out of The Fog part 2

Back in 2009 I wrote about the journey of 'my fog' This time in my life was tough, and now with the help of a great doctor, can probably point to post partum depression. Well, now that Liliana is 9 months old, I thought I would share My Fog part 2. Thankfully, this story went a little better, but not without its struggles. I hope that for other women out there can see two stories of birth, life, hormones, and the unexpected and see that there were two different approaches, with similar but yet different outcomes.



Liliana was a 'planned' addition, she was prayerfully considered and prayerfully anticipated. We started praying for my emotions very specifically from the moment we began thinking about 'adding on' to the family. I discussed with my new (and wonderful!) doctor about my past experiences and from her understanding it was most definitely PPD. I was given surveys periodically to test my emotions and anytime an emotion moved from the 'never had' or 'seldom have' category to something more frequent, it would raise a red flag. In October, so about the 6 month mark in pregnancy my emotions went bonkers. I was having anxious thoughts, couldn't put together sentences at times, I was easily overwhelmed, all of the symptoms from Izzy's post birth came flooding back. Little did I know that once you have experienced PPD you are more likely to experience it prenatally as well! While we were fervently praying for this to not be the case, Paul and I realized this was yet another way for Satan to attack and we needed to face it on a spiritual and physical level, therefore we made the choice to go on an anti-depressant, in my case it was a low dose Zoloft.



While this drug took a few weeks to take effect, it did help tremendously. It was only in extreme circumstances that I would have the spikes in emotions. Towards the end of the pregnancy things got worse and we changed the dosage and spread it out throughout the day. Due to the circumstances of Izzy's birth, we opted for a planned c-section with Liliana which went very smoothly. Thankfully, we made the right decision for her birth due to some other findings. Everything was peaceful, calm, and went great! I was able to enjoy having a baby.

With the help of modern medicine and the power of prayer we were able to keep the PPD at bay for the most part. Unless I was in extreme situations such as large parties or extra tired, I felt in control of the PPD emotional roller coaster. It was freeing. At about the 6 month mark we began to (slowly) wean off of the zoloft. This was a tedious process as I was not prepared for the withdrawal effects I would face. While this was not pleasant, I still wouldn't have changed the decision to go on the drugs in the first place. What I wish now is that I had stayed on the medicine longer. I still have terrible days, but they are outnumbered by the good days. For some, PPD is short and sweet, some it is intense, some it is long and drawn out...and for some it changes with each baby and pregnancy. I apparently hang onto this hormonal nightmare longer than average. I hope that as we near the 1 year birthday of our Lili-Monkey I will again get out of the fog of PPD.

I am so thankful for great family, a wonderful husband, a faith that keeps me going, a great doctor to help guide through the medical side of things, and a Savior who loves me even on my bad days. That's my story- well God's story. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would go on this journey I would have told you you were nuts. Oh how God changes us and brings us through deserts to draw us closer to him. I am thankful for my journey- but ever so glad it is turning towards the next one!

No time for blogging...

We're too busy enjoying our new home with a great yard during summertime!

I 'heart'....

Sisters in their matching P.J.'s!

My thoughts exactly...

Bottle Feeding Success!!

Isabelle never would take a bottle (pumped or otherwise) and she always refused a pacifier. It made for a long 12 months. Our little bug has caught on quite well to both! I pump a bottle a day and she takes it great! Pacifier works if she is sleepy but full. Its a huge success for us!

Psalm 80

It has been quite the week. Coming home from the hospital went smoothly and my wonderful mother came to stay with us for a couple days while I continued my surgical recovery and to help with Isabelle. Well, after a few days of not having me around, Izzy would have nothing to do with anyone helping her besides her mommy. Needless to say, it was quite frustrating. She wouldn't play by herself- just want to sit next to me and 'help' me. Poor girl.

Then, a day after my mom left, my child who never gets sick (seriously, she has never had an ear infection, stomach flu, nothing more than a cold!) started running a high fever. For two days it ran between 101-104 with meds. Plus, I was suffering with debilitating headaches since I had left the hospital and even the strong meds I was on wasn't touching it.

I was drained and stretched to the limit. I had hit the 'emotional' crash that almost every woman gets after giving birth, my mom was gone, my husband was insanely busy suddenly, my eldest was sick, I was only 1 week post op, and trying to remember how to care for a newborn. It was one thing after another.

I cried out one morning- "Seriously, can't I catch a break here???" Paul was home and encouraged me to just open up the Bible and ready something while I ate my breakfast. I went to Psalms and I kid you not the first passage I looked at was Psalm 80. I started reading- just to focus on something other than my woes.

Psalm 80 was written as a song to the tune of 'the covenant of the Lilies"- interesting I thought, especially with my brand new daughter sitting in the swing with the same name.

For those of you who don't know (and I would have been one of them), Psalm 80 is a cry out to God. The people knew God's ultimate power and authority and that they were the chosen people. They knew God had a great plan for them, but it seemed as though every corner brought a new challenge. The writer asked in verse 12 after sharing how God had brought his people out of Egypt and into a promised land, "Why have you broken down its walls so that all who pass by pick its grapes?"

Basically, the author is writing a song that asks God, why do you keep sending hardships our way? We know we are your children, we want to follow you, we know we have done wrong- help us!

The chorus repeated throughout the passage is what then hit me:

"Restore us, o God Almighty; make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved!"

Now I'm not usually on the bandwagon of opening up random scripture and having God give you exactly what you need- but man oh man was this God speaking loud and clear (ok, maybe through a megaphone of sorts).

Here I was basically asking God, "how much more do you want me to take right now?" "Can't you give me a break?" Just like his chosen people did.

He reminded me that morning, that He is the source of restoration- physical, spiritual, emotional, relational. He would restore me to a place of healing in all of those areas. And even though things were out of balance, out of wack, and simply hard to handle, He would find joy in me- His face would shine on me, as if it was the largest hug I could receive, a comfort beyond understanding. He would save me. He was the only way to make it through. I certainly couldn't do it on my own. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually at the edge. In some ways, rightfully so- I couldn't rely on myself to get through it. I had to allow myself to be restored by my Creator, my Abba father. With Him comes true restoration and healing even when it seems as though he has dealt us a bad hand.

Psalm 80- read it, be restored, be saved.

Introducing....

Liliana Hope Spica
12-30-09
7 lbs 9 oz
20 inches

Twas the day before surgery...

And all through the house, all the diapers are ready and so are the wipes.

This time tomorrow I'll be chillin' with my new baby girl in my arms. I can't wait. I'm getting more nervous with the impending surgery aspect, but at least I get a little prize at the end. And because I'm sure all of you care, here is a picture of what a 39 week preggo girl looks like the day before giving birth.

I'm sure some of you are like, oh my gosh you are huge! But really, I'm not that bad. I was much bigger and swollen all over last time around- plus I've only gained 12 pounds...woot! I never thought I'd have the basketball look after how miserable I looked with Isabelle!

Liliana Hope

Pleased to announce that our girl has a name (finally!).

Liliana Hope will be joining our family on December 30th- a mere 30 days away!!!!

We can't wait to meet you little Lili!